Distinctive Marriage

              Over the past thirteen weeks I have tried to write each blog post about certain topics that would help my readers understand more about maintaining a happy marriage. I hope that my posts have provided some motivation regarding building a strong and successful marriage. I hope that each specific element I have mentioned has helped you to create a distinctive marriage that is your own creation. The topic I chose to talk about this week may have been a good one to discuss as my first blog post, but I have chosen it today because it is vital in making a marriage that is distinctive.

              The bible describes it in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Getting married marks the special formation of a new being if you will. A husband and wife bond together to form a new union separate from their original families. This separation is imperative in creating an environment where marriages can blossom as a unique and distinctive unit.

              This may seem obvious to many people. In many families this is the natural course of life. Children leave home after graduation, start their own lives through education or employment find a worthy counterpart, get married and eventually raise a family of their own. However, this system can be infiltrated by well meaning parents or family members who do not understand the importance of a couple’s autonomy. These families may follow the aforementioned pattern but still try to maintain social, economical or emotional grips on their now married children.

              If the couple does not seek to become differentiated from their family with their own distinct identity; problems within their own relationship will surely follow. I am not saying, that the rest of your family is not important or that the natural roles of families need to be relinquished because of new marriages, but I do stress the importance of obtaining your own way and “cleaving” to your partner in as much as you can.

 Your union introduces a natural course of life for your parents as well and it is one they should gladly accept. Elder Marvin J. Ashton related their roles in this way. “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength… Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

              If you find yourself a situation where you feel your marriage is in jeopardy from well meaning, but overbearing parents there are some things you can do. First, set up your marital identity by counseling with your spouse about the situation. “Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005) By discussing the issue with your spouse you create a strong front to present to your parents or in laws.

              After you have discussed with your spouse the need for separate functions and families you can take the second step and talk with your parents. Harper & Olsen provide some sounds advice when trying to go about this topic. “If married children are having enmeshment problems with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to a) first express love to the parents for all that they do, b) explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity, and c) explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not a betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities.”

              Creating a distinctive marriage may put some strain on family relationships for a little while, but the repercussions of unregulated parental desires will have far more reaching affects if left by themselves. When you are married make sure you follow the words of Genesis and “cleave” unto your spouse. This is the only way you can make a distinctive family of your own and truly become one flesh.

Marriage Counseling

By the title of this post you may be concerned that the topic might get too clinical for your taste. Don’t worry, the counseling I want to discuss doesn’t have to do with professional therapists, doctors, psychoanalysis or any other medically prescribed antidote for marital woes. The counseling I want to talk about is the conversations you have in your own home with your spouse. These are the most effective therapy that a couple can participate in. They become their own therapist, doctor, psychologist or really whatever the other person needs through collaborative effort.

I do not claim to know what is best for you and your spouse, neither do I want to take away from the positive benefits that some find from therapy and other treatments. However, the positive blessings that come from planning, praying about, and participating in what some call a Couples Council or Family Council is the point of my message today.

So, what is a Couples Council? In easier terms it is simply a meeting, where a married couple comes together to discuss things that are of importance to them. These ideas can be affixed to a family as well, but I would like to focus on the marital counseling between a husband and wife. We have learned that a husband and wife have differing attributes that can strengthen and enlarge the love in a marriage. One way to positively influence these strengths is to council together often. As partners turn toward one another in each meeting, problems will find solutions, strengths will be made manifest, and loves progression towards eternal goals will be forthcoming.

Elder M. Russell Ballard Says, “Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan- and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant. We must understand that God views all of His children with infinite wisdom and perfect fairness. Consequently, He can acknowledge and even encourage our differences while providing equal opportunities for growth and development.”(1997) One way in which these differences are allowed to grow is by counseling together. A man and woman are different, but the Lord gives us an opportunity to learn from each other every time we counsel together, it is a framework from which he has built many marvelous things.

Before we came to earth, He counseled with us in heaven, asking and receiving our thoughts on matters consequent to coming to earth. Councils were established in his church on the earth through the Council of the Twelve  Apostles during Christ’s time on this earth, and through subsequent councils after the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To council together with our spouse and family only makes sense when we think about the pattern set by our Father in Heaven. Because the family is the basic unit of humanity, councils should start in the home.

Being different but equal allows the opportunity of counseling together to become a great strength to a marriage. It helps unify and solidify the couple with the help of the sanctifying power of Jesus Christ. “Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught; ‘in this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.’ Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit.” (Perry, 2004)

Now we understand why we need to counsel together, but how do we put it into practice?

1.       Pick a certain date and time to have a formal couples council. Any discussion can be a couples council, but a scheduled, recurring meeting can bring needed consistency to the equation. Consistent effort brings consistent results.

2.       Create an agenda from which to work from. This may seem like overkill, but working from an agenda of topics will keep the meeting on task and prevent frustrations from other problems during the week to sneak into the conversation. You may consider keeping a running list of ideas to discuss that both of you can contribute to during the week, then pick only a few to place on the agenda.

3.       Start with a prayer Inviting the Spirit of the Lord to be with you during your counseling together will help ideas and solutions to flow more freely. This is one way in which the Lord helps sanctify your marriage. The Holy Ghost reveals and confirms specific antidotes that will make more sacred the union you and your spouse have. Elder Harold B. Lee said, “Such prayers invite Heavenly Father to counsel us by the power of the Spirit.”

Following these guidelines will help you have successful Couples Councils. In closing I’d like to leave you with an apostolic witness that counseling together will bring blessings to your home. “Finally, please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes.” (Ballard, 2016)

Marital Intimacy

              Before my husband and I got married we received all sorts of encouragement and wisdom from the married couples around us. Most of the things they prescribed had to do with remaining happy with our marriage and with each other, but there was one piece of advice that made me wonder just what was being talked about. An older gentleman whom I didn’t know said to my husband, “Remember, a man is like a microwave and a woman is like an oven.”

              Some marital advice makes more sense after the reception is over and the normalcy of life takes hold of the couple. This statement was like that. As a naive young woman sex and intimacy were a foreign and misunderstood part of marriage, but it need not be that way. Intimacy in marriage is a mandate from the Lord as a process necessary in propagating the human race and bringing special spirits of God to this earth. However, it is much more than an act of procreation, it is a sacred union between a married man and woman that is sanctioned by God to increase love and affection in marriage.

              President Hugh B. Brown said, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose…We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

              I was one of those young people who had the instinct but didn’t understand the fundamental purposes that God designed intimacy to be. Early in our marriage my husband and I decided that some of the acceptable terms for intimacy just did not fit what we wanted the expression of our physical love to be. We decided that we would refer to intimacy in our marriage as “making love,” because, for us, that is what it is. Expressing our love this way has developed and strengthened our marriage and at times, has kept it from falling apart.

              Another piece of advice I received when I got married was to never use making love as a punishment for my spouse. I have been faithful in this even when I have felt that it was justly deserved. Some studies have concluded, with children, that when the parents withdraw their love it has a more severe affect than any other type of punishment. I would say that this is also true of married couples. One of the researchers of this study reported, “Although it poses no immediate physical or material threat to the child, [love withdrawal] may be more devastating emotionally than power assertion because it poses the ultimate threat of abandonment and separation.” (Hoffman, 1967)Inti

              This emotional division can lead to more severe problems like infidelity, or some type of sexual addiction if persistent or ignored. This is especially true if the fundamental doctrines of the divine nature of sexual intimacy is not understood. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

              As we come to understand these principles, we will be better prepared to have a fulfilling and righteous relationship with our spouse. Knowledge about this subject is paramount in creating a stable and loving environment where each partner feels secure in their marital choices concerning intimacy. I would encourage each of us to follow the direction of Doctrine and Covenants 88:118, to “seek learning… out of the best books,” concerning this sacred union of husband and wife, especially look toward the scriptures to find what God’s law is concerning intimacy within marriage.

             

Changing YOUr Marriage

              A strong pattern tends to emerge as we look at marriage and the problems that arise from it. The more I have studied relationships and looked at my own, it has become clear to me that the way to change a marriage for the better is to first change yourself. Y-O-U! Yep, that’s right, you heard what I said. The root of the problems you are having in your marriage are most likely caused by the things you are doing, or not doing.

              Let me be clear that the idea that you are the problem of your marriage does not include abuse of any kind from your spouse. The problems I am talking about are everyday frustrations, fights, unpleasant quips at your partners expense or the hate you feel towards your partner for actions or words that were malicious.

              These actions almost always have negative connotations and outcomes in a marriage, but the problem does not stem from your spouse but from your reaction to the circumstances. You see, in marriage, or any relationship really, we are more inclined toward changing another person than first changing ourselves. You know why? Because changing ourselves is hard and uncomfortable. So much so that we would rather cause marital and familial discomfort, multiplying the sorrows intermittently each time a new problem arises, or an old problem resurfaces.

              Terry Warner asks us how our relationship would be if we chose to change ourselves instead of changing our spouse. “What would happen if we dropped all charges against those around us and, for their sakes, happily sacrificed all bitter satisfaction, all retribution, all demand for repayment, all vengeance without regret or second thoughts?”

              Well what do you think would happen?

              What I think would occur is that I would become more selfless, more compassionate, and ultimately more charitable. I would start to see my spouse as his Heavenly Father sees him, and it would affectively change the way I am, and most certainly have a good affect on my spouse. I would not longer feel wronged or find faults in my spouse to stir up contention, but I would seek for ways to serve and love my spouse intentionally. Loving my spouse with the pure love of Christ would push away those frustrations, fights, and feelings of disappointment.

              Catherine Thomas saw this in relationships as well when she said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not fiving in the present.” How true those words are. However, we cannot start to give love right now until we start to change ourselves to become more Christlike in our character and intentions.

              You know that squeamish feeling you get in your stomach when you start to analyze your faults and realize you feel guilty for the many wrongs you have caused. It might do you well to remember Elder David A. Bednar’s words of counsel when he said, “Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body. A warning of danger and a protection from additional damage.”

              When we feel guilt, pride, justifications, or any other type of weakness creeping into our lives we can find comfort that finding them is only going to provide change and protection in the long run, if we start to implement change. Ether 12:27 says, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

              The same thing can occur in your marriage. If there are weaknesses or struggles, ask for God’s help in identifying them in yourself. Then ask him to make them strengths in your life so they will benefit your marriage. As we strive to change ourselves, we can also use our new-found charity to respond with love to our spouse.

              “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” (Goddard 2009)

              The change must begin within ourselves if we desire a change in our marriage. Start with yourself, discover your own flaws, seek for divine help, change them, then use your new charitable heart to change YOUr marriage.

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When we enter the bonds of marriage, we know that there needs to be give and take between partners to make it work effectively. But, what we know is not always what we do. Happiness in marriage requires compromise from both people in order for peace to be maintained in the long term. To gain this state of being we can sacrifice things in our lives to be more accommodating and loving to our spouse.

“This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves.” (Goddard, 2009) Sacrificing our pride is probably the most effective way we can transform our character to become more Christlike in our marriage. When we yield to the will of God, we start to understand how the Lord loves each one of us, including our spouse.

Some aspects of our partner might be unseemly, annoying, or tiresome. When we apply the charitable love of Christ to our marriage and sacrifice our pride, agitation, and impatience for the well being of another; the habits that agitated us before can become humorous or even lovable quirks. Endurance and long suffering are sometimes the order that is required on our sacrificial table. Brother Kent Brooks says, “Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to which we are willing to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment and tests of our patience and love for our partners.”

Sometimes our marriages will require forgiveness in order to progress past troubling experiences. It is not always easy to sacrifice ourselves for our spouse. There may be pain and hate harbored in your heart. This is when the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help you forgive and receive forgiveness. “We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us, ‘to forgive all men’ for our own good because ‘hatred retards spiritual growth.’ Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts…” (Faust, 2007)

              When we become a person of character and begin to understand our role towards ourselves, our spouse, and God, changing does not come at such a high price. Taking the easy road does not make life easier, in fact it often makes your life more conflicted. If your marriage needs some sacrifices in order to stay vital, the best place to start is by changing yourself.

As you watch the following video look for ways the husband is sacrificing time, effort, pride etc. for his wife. 

Expectations

              On our refrigerator for many years there was a little white board that I used to meal plan for each week. The magnetic list was changed every week accept for a quote that I had written on the top of it in green dry erase marker. “Change your expectations for appreciation and the world changes instantly.” (Tony Robbins) In a marriage our expectations of our spouse are often high, left unsaid, or selfish. Our expectations are also often contrary to the will of God. Prideful interpretations of circumstance have no place in a marriage. God and our partner should always have a place of gratitude in our heart. That helps us find humility.

Selfishness is the opposite of the happiness we crave when it comes to our marriage. We become so focused on what we want that we become blind to the blessings and good that are happening around us. “Many American’s today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests.” (Goddard, 2009) When we become prideful, we assume our spouse, God, or both are to blame for the failed expectations of the marriage.

“In fact, anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated by our own lack of faith and humility.” (Goddard, 2009)

Tonight, I was feeling upset with my spouse. I had written part of this post while at the park with my kids. When I returned home, the post had not been saved and I was irate. I blamed my kids, I blamed the park and myself. I was irrationally mad and my behavior matched.

Then my husband said. “Next time you should save it automatically through OneDrive.”

 I turned around to him absolutely livid and yelled, “You think I don’t know that!”

At this point I had traded my gratitude for pride, and it was my own that had been hurt. It was my own fault for not saving the post, but my pride wouldn’t let me admit it. Instead my expectation was that my spouse would commiserate with me, not point out the obvious flaw. I was the one needing to apologize and repent for my behavior, no one else.

This example is the opposite of the happiness that is meant to be found in a marital relationship. Resolution to most problems comes from humility and gratitude. A woman named Lola Walters gave a perfect example of the difference between prideful expectations and humility. She wanted to have a collaborative talk with her spouse where they would discuss each other’s annoying traits. This is what happened. “We were to name five things we found annoying and I started off…I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me…he said, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’ Gasp. I quickly turned my back because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face…”

The wife had expectations that led to pride, her husband had humility which led to love. If we trade our expectations, or our pride, for thankfulness toward our spouse, we can start to feel the humility that comes through grateful participation in our marriage.

             

Bidding on Your Marriage

When I think of bidding on something I tend to think of a plate of cookies or a batch of brownies at a school bake sale. Biding even invokes images of stony-faced buyers at an auction raising their numbered paddles and a quick tongued auctioneer calling out numbers with rapid skills. So, when I first heard of the idea of bidding on my marriage it amused me to think of putting a price on my marital plate of cookies or raising my hand to verify a sale price for my happiness. However, this is not the type of bidding I would like to talk about.

              Instead imagine a husband and wife doing the household chores before going to bed. The wife stands at the sink washing the dishes from dinner and says out loud, “There sure are a lot of dishes tonight.” She may not know it, but she has sent a plea for help to her spouse. Requests for help little or big, intentional or not are forms of marital bidding. Issues start to arise when partners in the marriage express bids, but don’t receive an offer to accept the bid. I’m sure you can think of a time in your marriage where you needed help, but the request was rebuffed by your significant other.

              Acceptance or indifference on the bids we give each other can build or destroy our marriage. This idea of bidding in marriage relationships is the idea of Dr. Gottman. He explains, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call, ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” (2015)

              When my husband and I first got married we called these bids by a different name. When we wanted the other person to do something for use we would, “go fishing”. We would throw our request into the waters of our partners thoughts and hope they were feeling compassionate enough to help the other person out. When our partner consistently bites at the line, you both receive benefits. The person asking gets help, and the person giving turns toward someone other than themselves. When this happens, the partnership becomes more trusting.

              Have you ever seen chart that explains marriage like a pyramid? Each spouse is in one of the bottom corners and God is at the top. When we fulfill bids for our spouse we are not only moving up towards God, but also moving closer to each other.

              Progressing towards God and our spouse is easily done. “It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback – like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.” (Gottman, 2015)