Marital Fondness

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for several years, you probably have experienced conflict between you and your spouse. We know that having charity for our spouse is important in coming to love them as God loves them, but the application of charity is sometimes hard to see. When we are blinded by anger, indifference, frustration or loneliness it is hard to do what is needed to feel love for our partner.

These feelings can lead to conflict and contempt towards our spouse. When contempt starts to grow in our hearts we stew and complain, role play and find flaws in the person you are supposed to be feeling love towards. The opposite of contempt is fondness and admiration, it is the medicine for the plagues that tear marriages apart. But how do these two positive feelings work to help our marriage?

 “If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced…”(Gottman, 2015) When I am angry with my husband I cannot see the positive reasons I still love him, find him attractive, or even find respect for him. This stops me from using my fondness for him to see past the problem. When a marriage is so fraught with conflict that the members feel like giving up, we can start to reconcile our differences if we have a strong sense of where we have been. The past feelings of your relationship, where your love first blossomed is important to go back to. Those feeling can change your contempt into fondness again, if only for long enough to start to change your heart.

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for several years, you probably have experienced conflict between you and your spouse. We know that having charity for our spouse is important in coming to love them as God loves them, but the application of charity is sometimes hard to see. When we are blinded by anger, indifference, frustration or loneliness it is hard to do what is needed to feel love for our partner.

These feelings can lead to conflict and contempt towards our spouse. When contempt starts to grow in our hearts we stew and complain, role play and find flaws in the person you are supposed to be feeling love towards. The opposite of contempt is fondness and admiration, it is the medicine for the plagues that tear marriages apart. But how do these two positive feelings work to help our marriage?

 “If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced…”(Gottman, 2015) When I am angry with my husband I cannot see the positive reasons I still love him, find him attractive, or even find respect for him. This stops me from using my fondness for him to see past the problem. When a marriage is so fraught with conflict that the members feel like giving up, we can start to reconcile our differences if we have a strong sense of where we have been. The past feelings of your relationship, where your love first blossomed is important to go back to. Those feeling can change your contempt into fondness again, if only for long enough to start to change your heart.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this about cherishing your spouse. “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.” (1971)

We can be distracted by our emotions during an argument, but we can bring our love for our partner back by reaffirming our admiration for them. The next time you argue with your spouse take a breather and instead of fostering ill will towards them for the next several hours, think of a happy experience you have had with them. Fixing your attention on a positive characteristic or memory of your spouse will help delude the bad feelings and offer some peace to your heart and grow more affection for your spouse.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this about cherishing your spouse. “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.” (1971)

We can be distracted by our emotions during an argument, but we can bring our love for our partner back by reaffirming our admiration for them. The next time you argue with your spouse take a breather and instead of fostering ill will towards them for the next several hours, think of a happy experience you have had with them. Fixing your attention on a positive characteristic or memory of your spouse will help delude the bad feelings and offer some peace to your heart and grow more affection for your spouse.

Charitable Marriage

Marriage is supposed to be the complimentary outcome of covenants made to our spouse and to God. The responsibilities of reality often overshadow those sacred promises and corrupt the things we see and feel in our marriage. These distorted views make it easy for us to find vulnerabilities in our partner and use them to our advantage. This however does not have to be the case. If we follow the example of Christ, we can treat our spouse with empathy and compassion.

 Below is a modern version of the Good Samaritan. As you watch think about how you treat your spouse. Is it with criticism, contempt, indifference, or charity? (Mormon Channel, November 16, 2017)

              After discussing the parable of the Good Samaritan author H. Wallace Goddard discussed three possible reactions to the vulnerability we see in our spouse. The traveler in the story is our spouse, and we have the opportunity to react in the following ways. “The thieves seized on the opportunity to rob the traveler. The priest and Levite actively ignored him. The Samaritan had compassion and ministered to him.” (2009)

              What affects how we react to our spouse is how we understand the doctrines and principles of the gospel. Without charity we will act like the thieves and look for our own gain. Without that pure love of Christ in our hearts we will ignore requests for help. Without a complete change of heart to become like God we will not be able to see our spouse’s shortcomings as Christ does. Love is the answer to a joyful marriage.

              Elder Wirthlin(2007) said, “The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy. In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.” Notice that Elder Wirthlin does not say that we gain this love automatically, but it is developed over time. This type of love is not the flippant, selfish love, but a deep understanding of our partner through the lens of God’s glasses.

              Looking at our spouse through these glasses helps us see the pitfalls in our partner, while also allowing us to react to them with love and compassion. Strength in a marriage comes when we are in tune with our spouse and their needs, when we become their eternal friend. A researcher that has conducted many studies on marriage relationships talked about this type of charitable love, “That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other. Very often a marriage’s failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless round of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage.” (Gottman, 2015)

              When a couple forgets their sacred covenants made during marriage they are not following the example of Christ given in the parable of the good Samaritan. A marriage may start with friendship, but it should grow through charity and respect for one another. Without these principles the vulnerabilities we see in our spouse will be abused, ignored and left to die lonely and misused. We can choose to treat our marriage and spouse with respect, charity and compassion just as Christ did.

Progression Through Marriage

My husband and I have been married for eleven years next week. Marriage has not been everything that I thought it would be. The differing temperaments between my husband and I have led to disagreements, judgments, and individual wants that I never thought would happen within a marriage. Troubles have come to us as they do to married couples everywhere. Our marriage has lasted because of the covenant that we have made to one another, and to God.  Elder Bruce C. Hafen (1996) stated, “But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions give 100 percent.”

              When my husband and I were first married we had an argument about where the utensils were going to go in our little kitchen. It has been affectionately referred to as the “Utensil Incident,” because it taught both of us a lesson about each other’s differences and how we judge one another based on our experiences. My husband is very type A, he liked having a place for everything and everything in its place. I thought every home had a drawer with miscellaneous utensils in it. You know the long, misshapen, weird kitchen paraphernalia that doesn’t have a neat cubby it can fit into. We argued over where these things were going to go and the anger, judgments and selfishness began to build in our little apartment until it was set to explode. It did, and it has several times since then. Not particularly about the utensils, but about other similarly unimportant things. The lessons we have learned working through problems like the utensil drawer have been powerful in helping us realize our differences and our commonality.

              Last night I expressed my gratitude to my husband for sticking by my side through the years of early marriage, childbearing and the beginning of aging. I was so thankful that he has tried to give his all even when troubles have come into our marriage. Part of what has helped us both try to give 100 percent is what we believe to be the nature of our union.  We know we are individuals given divine attributes by our Heavenly Father. These characteristics by themselves are holy and sacred. When the traits of a man and a woman come together they become something more than they would be by themselves.

              Elder David A.Bednar(2006) said this about the natures of men and women. “By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperament and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way.”

              This union has been the plan for each of God’s children since he placed Adam and Eve upon the earth. As a woman I have a divine role as a wife and mother. As a man my husband has the divine role of husband and father. These roles are individual, yet complimentary. Working together and giving 100 percent gives our lives further meaning and purpose as we progress together.

Denying Divine Power

A big topic of debate concerning marriage and the family has been same-sex marriage. Those of us who would like the traditional marriage of one man and one woman upheld are sometimes at a loss as to how we can voice our opinions without being called discriminatory. I think it is important to differentiate between the people involved and the doctrines involved.

Surely the Lord still loves those who proclaim homosexual traits as their choice. He is in fact the one who has given them their agency. However, the choice to be in a same sex relationship goes against the doctrine of the family and the divine attributes of each person God has created. In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” (1995) it states, “All human beings – male and female – are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose.”

These divine characteristics make each one of us individual, unique and beloved of our Father in Heaven. Because of our unique natures we all have individual trials and temptations that beset us during our time on this earth. One of the trials is the inclination towards intimacy with a person of the same sex. When people give in to this temptation due to persuasion, cultural acceptance, or thoughtless experimenting they are negating their divinely given natures.

In the Bible it states, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and…said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Given to the very first people was the commandment to create life and populate the earth. Within the nature of marriage is the capability to procreate. A same sex couple do no have this divine power, they cannot create life for themselves and so are thoroughly dismissing the power to be like God.

There are two reasons that putting this divine power aside is a choice to be eternally regretted. The first being the right of every person that comes to the earth to receive a body. Same sex couples cannot procreate and so are denying spirits in heaven from receiving a body on this earth. The second is being able to progress through this life and ultimately become as God. If the choice is made to deny our divine nature, practice intimacy where is it not divinely sanctioned, and avoid the commandment to procreate, then we are not progressing as we should.

“Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage. Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.” (Nelson, 2014) This debate will no doubt go on, however I hope truth can be found in the words above enough to prompt further understanding of God’s divine plan for his children and the Godly nature of us all.