Marital Fondness

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for several years, you probably have experienced conflict between you and your spouse. We know that having charity for our spouse is important in coming to love them as God loves them, but the application of charity is sometimes hard to see. When we are blinded by anger, indifference, frustration or loneliness it is hard to do what is needed to feel love for our partner.

These feelings can lead to conflict and contempt towards our spouse. When contempt starts to grow in our hearts we stew and complain, role play and find flaws in the person you are supposed to be feeling love towards. The opposite of contempt is fondness and admiration, it is the medicine for the plagues that tear marriages apart. But how do these two positive feelings work to help our marriage?

 “If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced…”(Gottman, 2015) When I am angry with my husband I cannot see the positive reasons I still love him, find him attractive, or even find respect for him. This stops me from using my fondness for him to see past the problem. When a marriage is so fraught with conflict that the members feel like giving up, we can start to reconcile our differences if we have a strong sense of where we have been. The past feelings of your relationship, where your love first blossomed is important to go back to. Those feeling can change your contempt into fondness again, if only for long enough to start to change your heart.

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for several years, you probably have experienced conflict between you and your spouse. We know that having charity for our spouse is important in coming to love them as God loves them, but the application of charity is sometimes hard to see. When we are blinded by anger, indifference, frustration or loneliness it is hard to do what is needed to feel love for our partner.

These feelings can lead to conflict and contempt towards our spouse. When contempt starts to grow in our hearts we stew and complain, role play and find flaws in the person you are supposed to be feeling love towards. The opposite of contempt is fondness and admiration, it is the medicine for the plagues that tear marriages apart. But how do these two positive feelings work to help our marriage?

 “If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced…”(Gottman, 2015) When I am angry with my husband I cannot see the positive reasons I still love him, find him attractive, or even find respect for him. This stops me from using my fondness for him to see past the problem. When a marriage is so fraught with conflict that the members feel like giving up, we can start to reconcile our differences if we have a strong sense of where we have been. The past feelings of your relationship, where your love first blossomed is important to go back to. Those feeling can change your contempt into fondness again, if only for long enough to start to change your heart.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this about cherishing your spouse. “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.” (1971)

We can be distracted by our emotions during an argument, but we can bring our love for our partner back by reaffirming our admiration for them. The next time you argue with your spouse take a breather and instead of fostering ill will towards them for the next several hours, think of a happy experience you have had with them. Fixing your attention on a positive characteristic or memory of your spouse will help delude the bad feelings and offer some peace to your heart and grow more affection for your spouse.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this about cherishing your spouse. “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.” (1971)

We can be distracted by our emotions during an argument, but we can bring our love for our partner back by reaffirming our admiration for them. The next time you argue with your spouse take a breather and instead of fostering ill will towards them for the next several hours, think of a happy experience you have had with them. Fixing your attention on a positive characteristic or memory of your spouse will help delude the bad feelings and offer some peace to your heart and grow more affection for your spouse.