Bidding on Your Marriage

When I think of bidding on something I tend to think of a plate of cookies or a batch of brownies at a school bake sale. Biding even invokes images of stony-faced buyers at an auction raising their numbered paddles and a quick tongued auctioneer calling out numbers with rapid skills. So, when I first heard of the idea of bidding on my marriage it amused me to think of putting a price on my marital plate of cookies or raising my hand to verify a sale price for my happiness. However, this is not the type of bidding I would like to talk about.

              Instead imagine a husband and wife doing the household chores before going to bed. The wife stands at the sink washing the dishes from dinner and says out loud, “There sure are a lot of dishes tonight.” She may not know it, but she has sent a plea for help to her spouse. Requests for help little or big, intentional or not are forms of marital bidding. Issues start to arise when partners in the marriage express bids, but don’t receive an offer to accept the bid. I’m sure you can think of a time in your marriage where you needed help, but the request was rebuffed by your significant other.

              Acceptance or indifference on the bids we give each other can build or destroy our marriage. This idea of bidding in marriage relationships is the idea of Dr. Gottman. He explains, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call, ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” (2015)

              When my husband and I first got married we called these bids by a different name. When we wanted the other person to do something for use we would, “go fishing”. We would throw our request into the waters of our partners thoughts and hope they were feeling compassionate enough to help the other person out. When our partner consistently bites at the line, you both receive benefits. The person asking gets help, and the person giving turns toward someone other than themselves. When this happens, the partnership becomes more trusting.

              Have you ever seen chart that explains marriage like a pyramid? Each spouse is in one of the bottom corners and God is at the top. When we fulfill bids for our spouse we are not only moving up towards God, but also moving closer to each other.

              Progressing towards God and our spouse is easily done. “It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback – like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.” (Gottman, 2015)