Expectations

              On our refrigerator for many years there was a little white board that I used to meal plan for each week. The magnetic list was changed every week accept for a quote that I had written on the top of it in green dry erase marker. “Change your expectations for appreciation and the world changes instantly.” (Tony Robbins) In a marriage our expectations of our spouse are often high, left unsaid, or selfish. Our expectations are also often contrary to the will of God. Prideful interpretations of circumstance have no place in a marriage. God and our partner should always have a place of gratitude in our heart. That helps us find humility.

Selfishness is the opposite of the happiness we crave when it comes to our marriage. We become so focused on what we want that we become blind to the blessings and good that are happening around us. “Many American’s today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests.” (Goddard, 2009) When we become prideful, we assume our spouse, God, or both are to blame for the failed expectations of the marriage.

“In fact, anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated by our own lack of faith and humility.” (Goddard, 2009)

Tonight, I was feeling upset with my spouse. I had written part of this post while at the park with my kids. When I returned home, the post had not been saved and I was irate. I blamed my kids, I blamed the park and myself. I was irrationally mad and my behavior matched.

Then my husband said. “Next time you should save it automatically through OneDrive.”

 I turned around to him absolutely livid and yelled, “You think I don’t know that!”

At this point I had traded my gratitude for pride, and it was my own that had been hurt. It was my own fault for not saving the post, but my pride wouldn’t let me admit it. Instead my expectation was that my spouse would commiserate with me, not point out the obvious flaw. I was the one needing to apologize and repent for my behavior, no one else.

This example is the opposite of the happiness that is meant to be found in a marital relationship. Resolution to most problems comes from humility and gratitude. A woman named Lola Walters gave a perfect example of the difference between prideful expectations and humility. She wanted to have a collaborative talk with her spouse where they would discuss each other’s annoying traits. This is what happened. “We were to name five things we found annoying and I started off…I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me…he said, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’ Gasp. I quickly turned my back because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face…”

The wife had expectations that led to pride, her husband had humility which led to love. If we trade our expectations, or our pride, for thankfulness toward our spouse, we can start to feel the humility that comes through grateful participation in our marriage.