Changing YOUr Marriage

              A strong pattern tends to emerge as we look at marriage and the problems that arise from it. The more I have studied relationships and looked at my own, it has become clear to me that the way to change a marriage for the better is to first change yourself. Y-O-U! Yep, that’s right, you heard what I said. The root of the problems you are having in your marriage are most likely caused by the things you are doing, or not doing.

              Let me be clear that the idea that you are the problem of your marriage does not include abuse of any kind from your spouse. The problems I am talking about are everyday frustrations, fights, unpleasant quips at your partners expense or the hate you feel towards your partner for actions or words that were malicious.

              These actions almost always have negative connotations and outcomes in a marriage, but the problem does not stem from your spouse but from your reaction to the circumstances. You see, in marriage, or any relationship really, we are more inclined toward changing another person than first changing ourselves. You know why? Because changing ourselves is hard and uncomfortable. So much so that we would rather cause marital and familial discomfort, multiplying the sorrows intermittently each time a new problem arises, or an old problem resurfaces.

              Terry Warner asks us how our relationship would be if we chose to change ourselves instead of changing our spouse. “What would happen if we dropped all charges against those around us and, for their sakes, happily sacrificed all bitter satisfaction, all retribution, all demand for repayment, all vengeance without regret or second thoughts?”

              Well what do you think would happen?

              What I think would occur is that I would become more selfless, more compassionate, and ultimately more charitable. I would start to see my spouse as his Heavenly Father sees him, and it would affectively change the way I am, and most certainly have a good affect on my spouse. I would not longer feel wronged or find faults in my spouse to stir up contention, but I would seek for ways to serve and love my spouse intentionally. Loving my spouse with the pure love of Christ would push away those frustrations, fights, and feelings of disappointment.

              Catherine Thomas saw this in relationships as well when she said, “Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not fiving in the present.” How true those words are. However, we cannot start to give love right now until we start to change ourselves to become more Christlike in our character and intentions.

              You know that squeamish feeling you get in your stomach when you start to analyze your faults and realize you feel guilty for the many wrongs you have caused. It might do you well to remember Elder David A. Bednar’s words of counsel when he said, “Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body. A warning of danger and a protection from additional damage.”

              When we feel guilt, pride, justifications, or any other type of weakness creeping into our lives we can find comfort that finding them is only going to provide change and protection in the long run, if we start to implement change. Ether 12:27 says, “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

              The same thing can occur in your marriage. If there are weaknesses or struggles, ask for God’s help in identifying them in yourself. Then ask him to make them strengths in your life so they will benefit your marriage. As we strive to change ourselves, we can also use our new-found charity to respond with love to our spouse.

              “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity! God is serious about cultivating our charity. Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong.” (Goddard 2009)

              The change must begin within ourselves if we desire a change in our marriage. Start with yourself, discover your own flaws, seek for divine help, change them, then use your new charitable heart to change YOUr marriage.