Marital Intimacy

              Before my husband and I got married we received all sorts of encouragement and wisdom from the married couples around us. Most of the things they prescribed had to do with remaining happy with our marriage and with each other, but there was one piece of advice that made me wonder just what was being talked about. An older gentleman whom I didn’t know said to my husband, “Remember, a man is like a microwave and a woman is like an oven.”

              Some marital advice makes more sense after the reception is over and the normalcy of life takes hold of the couple. This statement was like that. As a naive young woman sex and intimacy were a foreign and misunderstood part of marriage, but it need not be that way. Intimacy in marriage is a mandate from the Lord as a process necessary in propagating the human race and bringing special spirits of God to this earth. However, it is much more than an act of procreation, it is a sacred union between a married man and woman that is sanctioned by God to increase love and affection in marriage.

              President Hugh B. Brown said, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose…We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

              I was one of those young people who had the instinct but didn’t understand the fundamental purposes that God designed intimacy to be. Early in our marriage my husband and I decided that some of the acceptable terms for intimacy just did not fit what we wanted the expression of our physical love to be. We decided that we would refer to intimacy in our marriage as “making love,” because, for us, that is what it is. Expressing our love this way has developed and strengthened our marriage and at times, has kept it from falling apart.

              Another piece of advice I received when I got married was to never use making love as a punishment for my spouse. I have been faithful in this even when I have felt that it was justly deserved. Some studies have concluded, with children, that when the parents withdraw their love it has a more severe affect than any other type of punishment. I would say that this is also true of married couples. One of the researchers of this study reported, “Although it poses no immediate physical or material threat to the child, [love withdrawal] may be more devastating emotionally than power assertion because it poses the ultimate threat of abandonment and separation.” (Hoffman, 1967)Inti

              This emotional division can lead to more severe problems like infidelity, or some type of sexual addiction if persistent or ignored. This is especially true if the fundamental doctrines of the divine nature of sexual intimacy is not understood. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

              As we come to understand these principles, we will be better prepared to have a fulfilling and righteous relationship with our spouse. Knowledge about this subject is paramount in creating a stable and loving environment where each partner feels secure in their marital choices concerning intimacy. I would encourage each of us to follow the direction of Doctrine and Covenants 88:118, to “seek learning… out of the best books,” concerning this sacred union of husband and wife, especially look toward the scriptures to find what God’s law is concerning intimacy within marriage.