Distinctive Marriage

              Over the past thirteen weeks I have tried to write each blog post about certain topics that would help my readers understand more about maintaining a happy marriage. I hope that my posts have provided some motivation regarding building a strong and successful marriage. I hope that each specific element I have mentioned has helped you to create a distinctive marriage that is your own creation. The topic I chose to talk about this week may have been a good one to discuss as my first blog post, but I have chosen it today because it is vital in making a marriage that is distinctive.

              The bible describes it in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Getting married marks the special formation of a new being if you will. A husband and wife bond together to form a new union separate from their original families. This separation is imperative in creating an environment where marriages can blossom as a unique and distinctive unit.

              This may seem obvious to many people. In many families this is the natural course of life. Children leave home after graduation, start their own lives through education or employment find a worthy counterpart, get married and eventually raise a family of their own. However, this system can be infiltrated by well meaning parents or family members who do not understand the importance of a couple’s autonomy. These families may follow the aforementioned pattern but still try to maintain social, economical or emotional grips on their now married children.

              If the couple does not seek to become differentiated from their family with their own distinct identity; problems within their own relationship will surely follow. I am not saying, that the rest of your family is not important or that the natural roles of families need to be relinquished because of new marriages, but I do stress the importance of obtaining your own way and “cleaving” to your partner in as much as you can.

 Your union introduces a natural course of life for your parents as well and it is one they should gladly accept. Elder Marvin J. Ashton related their roles in this way. “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength… Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

              If you find yourself a situation where you feel your marriage is in jeopardy from well meaning, but overbearing parents there are some things you can do. First, set up your marital identity by counseling with your spouse about the situation. “Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005) By discussing the issue with your spouse you create a strong front to present to your parents or in laws.

              After you have discussed with your spouse the need for separate functions and families you can take the second step and talk with your parents. Harper & Olsen provide some sounds advice when trying to go about this topic. “If married children are having enmeshment problems with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to a) first express love to the parents for all that they do, b) explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity, and c) explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not a betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities.”

              Creating a distinctive marriage may put some strain on family relationships for a little while, but the repercussions of unregulated parental desires will have far more reaching affects if left by themselves. When you are married make sure you follow the words of Genesis and “cleave” unto your spouse. This is the only way you can make a distinctive family of your own and truly become one flesh.