Distinctive Marriage

              Over the past thirteen weeks I have tried to write each blog post about certain topics that would help my readers understand more about maintaining a happy marriage. I hope that my posts have provided some motivation regarding building a strong and successful marriage. I hope that each specific element I have mentioned has helped you to create a distinctive marriage that is your own creation. The topic I chose to talk about this week may have been a good one to discuss as my first blog post, but I have chosen it today because it is vital in making a marriage that is distinctive.

              The bible describes it in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Getting married marks the special formation of a new being if you will. A husband and wife bond together to form a new union separate from their original families. This separation is imperative in creating an environment where marriages can blossom as a unique and distinctive unit.

              This may seem obvious to many people. In many families this is the natural course of life. Children leave home after graduation, start their own lives through education or employment find a worthy counterpart, get married and eventually raise a family of their own. However, this system can be infiltrated by well meaning parents or family members who do not understand the importance of a couple’s autonomy. These families may follow the aforementioned pattern but still try to maintain social, economical or emotional grips on their now married children.

              If the couple does not seek to become differentiated from their family with their own distinct identity; problems within their own relationship will surely follow. I am not saying, that the rest of your family is not important or that the natural roles of families need to be relinquished because of new marriages, but I do stress the importance of obtaining your own way and “cleaving” to your partner in as much as you can.

 Your union introduces a natural course of life for your parents as well and it is one they should gladly accept. Elder Marvin J. Ashton related their roles in this way. “Certainly a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength… Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

              If you find yourself a situation where you feel your marriage is in jeopardy from well meaning, but overbearing parents there are some things you can do. First, set up your marital identity by counseling with your spouse about the situation. “Married couples should discuss what they will do to protect, maintain, and repair (if necessary) the invisible boundary or fence that guards their marriage.” (Harper & Olsen, 2005) By discussing the issue with your spouse you create a strong front to present to your parents or in laws.

              After you have discussed with your spouse the need for separate functions and families you can take the second step and talk with your parents. Harper & Olsen provide some sounds advice when trying to go about this topic. “If married children are having enmeshment problems with their parents and parents-in-law, they may want to a) first express love to the parents for all that they do, b) explain that they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity, and c) explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship. It is important to express that this is not a betrayal or withdrawal of love and to assure the parents that the couple will participate in some family activities.”

              Creating a distinctive marriage may put some strain on family relationships for a little while, but the repercussions of unregulated parental desires will have far more reaching affects if left by themselves. When you are married make sure you follow the words of Genesis and “cleave” unto your spouse. This is the only way you can make a distinctive family of your own and truly become one flesh.

Marriage Counseling

By the title of this post you may be concerned that the topic might get too clinical for your taste. Don’t worry, the counseling I want to discuss doesn’t have to do with professional therapists, doctors, psychoanalysis or any other medically prescribed antidote for marital woes. The counseling I want to talk about is the conversations you have in your own home with your spouse. These are the most effective therapy that a couple can participate in. They become their own therapist, doctor, psychologist or really whatever the other person needs through collaborative effort.

I do not claim to know what is best for you and your spouse, neither do I want to take away from the positive benefits that some find from therapy and other treatments. However, the positive blessings that come from planning, praying about, and participating in what some call a Couples Council or Family Council is the point of my message today.

So, what is a Couples Council? In easier terms it is simply a meeting, where a married couple comes together to discuss things that are of importance to them. These ideas can be affixed to a family as well, but I would like to focus on the marital counseling between a husband and wife. We have learned that a husband and wife have differing attributes that can strengthen and enlarge the love in a marriage. One way to positively influence these strengths is to council together often. As partners turn toward one another in each meeting, problems will find solutions, strengths will be made manifest, and loves progression towards eternal goals will be forthcoming.

Elder M. Russell Ballard Says, “Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan- and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant. We must understand that God views all of His children with infinite wisdom and perfect fairness. Consequently, He can acknowledge and even encourage our differences while providing equal opportunities for growth and development.”(1997) One way in which these differences are allowed to grow is by counseling together. A man and woman are different, but the Lord gives us an opportunity to learn from each other every time we counsel together, it is a framework from which he has built many marvelous things.

Before we came to earth, He counseled with us in heaven, asking and receiving our thoughts on matters consequent to coming to earth. Councils were established in his church on the earth through the Council of the Twelve  Apostles during Christ’s time on this earth, and through subsequent councils after the restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. To council together with our spouse and family only makes sense when we think about the pattern set by our Father in Heaven. Because the family is the basic unit of humanity, councils should start in the home.

Being different but equal allows the opportunity of counseling together to become a great strength to a marriage. It helps unify and solidify the couple with the help of the sanctifying power of Jesus Christ. “Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught; ‘in this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals.’ Since the beginning, God has instructed mankind that marriage should unite husband and wife together in unity. Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit.” (Perry, 2004)

Now we understand why we need to counsel together, but how do we put it into practice?

1.       Pick a certain date and time to have a formal couples council. Any discussion can be a couples council, but a scheduled, recurring meeting can bring needed consistency to the equation. Consistent effort brings consistent results.

2.       Create an agenda from which to work from. This may seem like overkill, but working from an agenda of topics will keep the meeting on task and prevent frustrations from other problems during the week to sneak into the conversation. You may consider keeping a running list of ideas to discuss that both of you can contribute to during the week, then pick only a few to place on the agenda.

3.       Start with a prayer Inviting the Spirit of the Lord to be with you during your counseling together will help ideas and solutions to flow more freely. This is one way in which the Lord helps sanctify your marriage. The Holy Ghost reveals and confirms specific antidotes that will make more sacred the union you and your spouse have. Elder Harold B. Lee said, “Such prayers invite Heavenly Father to counsel us by the power of the Spirit.”

Following these guidelines will help you have successful Couples Councils. In closing I’d like to leave you with an apostolic witness that counseling together will bring blessings to your home. “Finally, please remember that a family council held regularly will help us spot family problems early and nip them in the bud; councils will give each family member a feeling of worth and importance; and most of all they will assist us to be more successful and happy in our precious relationships, within the walls of our homes.” (Ballard, 2016)

Marital Intimacy

              Before my husband and I got married we received all sorts of encouragement and wisdom from the married couples around us. Most of the things they prescribed had to do with remaining happy with our marriage and with each other, but there was one piece of advice that made me wonder just what was being talked about. An older gentleman whom I didn’t know said to my husband, “Remember, a man is like a microwave and a woman is like an oven.”

              Some marital advice makes more sense after the reception is over and the normalcy of life takes hold of the couple. This statement was like that. As a naive young woman sex and intimacy were a foreign and misunderstood part of marriage, but it need not be that way. Intimacy in marriage is a mandate from the Lord as a process necessary in propagating the human race and bringing special spirits of God to this earth. However, it is much more than an act of procreation, it is a sacred union between a married man and woman that is sanctioned by God to increase love and affection in marriage.

              President Hugh B. Brown said, “Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose…We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose.”

              I was one of those young people who had the instinct but didn’t understand the fundamental purposes that God designed intimacy to be. Early in our marriage my husband and I decided that some of the acceptable terms for intimacy just did not fit what we wanted the expression of our physical love to be. We decided that we would refer to intimacy in our marriage as “making love,” because, for us, that is what it is. Expressing our love this way has developed and strengthened our marriage and at times, has kept it from falling apart.

              Another piece of advice I received when I got married was to never use making love as a punishment for my spouse. I have been faithful in this even when I have felt that it was justly deserved. Some studies have concluded, with children, that when the parents withdraw their love it has a more severe affect than any other type of punishment. I would say that this is also true of married couples. One of the researchers of this study reported, “Although it poses no immediate physical or material threat to the child, [love withdrawal] may be more devastating emotionally than power assertion because it poses the ultimate threat of abandonment and separation.” (Hoffman, 1967)Inti

              This emotional division can lead to more severe problems like infidelity, or some type of sexual addiction if persistent or ignored. This is especially true if the fundamental doctrines of the divine nature of sexual intimacy is not understood. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.”

              As we come to understand these principles, we will be better prepared to have a fulfilling and righteous relationship with our spouse. Knowledge about this subject is paramount in creating a stable and loving environment where each partner feels secure in their marital choices concerning intimacy. I would encourage each of us to follow the direction of Doctrine and Covenants 88:118, to “seek learning… out of the best books,” concerning this sacred union of husband and wife, especially look toward the scriptures to find what God’s law is concerning intimacy within marriage.