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When we enter the bonds of marriage, we know that there needs to be give and take between partners to make it work effectively. But, what we know is not always what we do. Happiness in marriage requires compromise from both people in order for peace to be maintained in the long term. To gain this state of being we can sacrifice things in our lives to be more accommodating and loving to our spouse.

“This requires a transformation of character. In serving and giving to those within our family stewardship as well as demonstrating patience and continually forgiving our spouses for all the ways they might not meet our expectations, we have the opportunity to emulate Christ, thus transforming ourselves.” (Goddard, 2009) Sacrificing our pride is probably the most effective way we can transform our character to become more Christlike in our marriage. When we yield to the will of God, we start to understand how the Lord loves each one of us, including our spouse.

Some aspects of our partner might be unseemly, annoying, or tiresome. When we apply the charitable love of Christ to our marriage and sacrifice our pride, agitation, and impatience for the well being of another; the habits that agitated us before can become humorous or even lovable quirks. Endurance and long suffering are sometimes the order that is required on our sacrificial table. Brother Kent Brooks says, “Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to which we are willing to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment and tests of our patience and love for our partners.”

Sometimes our marriages will require forgiveness in order to progress past troubling experiences. It is not always easy to sacrifice ourselves for our spouse. There may be pain and hate harbored in your heart. This is when the Atonement of Jesus Christ can help you forgive and receive forgiveness. “We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us, ‘to forgive all men’ for our own good because ‘hatred retards spiritual growth.’ Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts…” (Faust, 2007)

              When we become a person of character and begin to understand our role towards ourselves, our spouse, and God, changing does not come at such a high price. Taking the easy road does not make life easier, in fact it often makes your life more conflicted. If your marriage needs some sacrifices in order to stay vital, the best place to start is by changing yourself.

As you watch the following video look for ways the husband is sacrificing time, effort, pride etc. for his wife. 

Expectations

              On our refrigerator for many years there was a little white board that I used to meal plan for each week. The magnetic list was changed every week accept for a quote that I had written on the top of it in green dry erase marker. “Change your expectations for appreciation and the world changes instantly.” (Tony Robbins) In a marriage our expectations of our spouse are often high, left unsaid, or selfish. Our expectations are also often contrary to the will of God. Prideful interpretations of circumstance have no place in a marriage. God and our partner should always have a place of gratitude in our heart. That helps us find humility.

Selfishness is the opposite of the happiness we crave when it comes to our marriage. We become so focused on what we want that we become blind to the blessings and good that are happening around us. “Many American’s today can no longer accept the idea that love requires sacrificing oneself or making oneself unhappy or doing things that do not (at least eventually) serve one’s individual best interests.” (Goddard, 2009) When we become prideful, we assume our spouse, God, or both are to blame for the failed expectations of the marriage.

“In fact, anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated by our own lack of faith and humility.” (Goddard, 2009)

Tonight, I was feeling upset with my spouse. I had written part of this post while at the park with my kids. When I returned home, the post had not been saved and I was irate. I blamed my kids, I blamed the park and myself. I was irrationally mad and my behavior matched.

Then my husband said. “Next time you should save it automatically through OneDrive.”

 I turned around to him absolutely livid and yelled, “You think I don’t know that!”

At this point I had traded my gratitude for pride, and it was my own that had been hurt. It was my own fault for not saving the post, but my pride wouldn’t let me admit it. Instead my expectation was that my spouse would commiserate with me, not point out the obvious flaw. I was the one needing to apologize and repent for my behavior, no one else.

This example is the opposite of the happiness that is meant to be found in a marital relationship. Resolution to most problems comes from humility and gratitude. A woman named Lola Walters gave a perfect example of the difference between prideful expectations and humility. She wanted to have a collaborative talk with her spouse where they would discuss each other’s annoying traits. This is what happened. “We were to name five things we found annoying and I started off…I told him I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me…he said, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.’ Gasp. I quickly turned my back because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face…”

The wife had expectations that led to pride, her husband had humility which led to love. If we trade our expectations, or our pride, for thankfulness toward our spouse, we can start to feel the humility that comes through grateful participation in our marriage.

             

Bidding on Your Marriage

When I think of bidding on something I tend to think of a plate of cookies or a batch of brownies at a school bake sale. Biding even invokes images of stony-faced buyers at an auction raising their numbered paddles and a quick tongued auctioneer calling out numbers with rapid skills. So, when I first heard of the idea of bidding on my marriage it amused me to think of putting a price on my marital plate of cookies or raising my hand to verify a sale price for my happiness. However, this is not the type of bidding I would like to talk about.

              Instead imagine a husband and wife doing the household chores before going to bed. The wife stands at the sink washing the dishes from dinner and says out loud, “There sure are a lot of dishes tonight.” She may not know it, but she has sent a plea for help to her spouse. Requests for help little or big, intentional or not are forms of marital bidding. Issues start to arise when partners in the marriage express bids, but don’t receive an offer to accept the bid. I’m sure you can think of a time in your marriage where you needed help, but the request was rebuffed by your significant other.

              Acceptance or indifference on the bids we give each other can build or destroy our marriage. This idea of bidding in marriage relationships is the idea of Dr. Gottman. He explains, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call, ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” (2015)

              When my husband and I first got married we called these bids by a different name. When we wanted the other person to do something for use we would, “go fishing”. We would throw our request into the waters of our partners thoughts and hope they were feeling compassionate enough to help the other person out. When our partner consistently bites at the line, you both receive benefits. The person asking gets help, and the person giving turns toward someone other than themselves. When this happens, the partnership becomes more trusting.

              Have you ever seen chart that explains marriage like a pyramid? Each spouse is in one of the bottom corners and God is at the top. When we fulfill bids for our spouse we are not only moving up towards God, but also moving closer to each other.

              Progressing towards God and our spouse is easily done. “It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another. Turning toward operates under a law of positive feedback – like a snowball rolling downhill, it can start small yet generate enormous results. In other words, you don’t have to turn toward your partner in a very dramatic way to see the benefit. Just get started, and things will improve by themselves.” (Gottman, 2015)

Marital Fondness

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for several years, you probably have experienced conflict between you and your spouse. We know that having charity for our spouse is important in coming to love them as God loves them, but the application of charity is sometimes hard to see. When we are blinded by anger, indifference, frustration or loneliness it is hard to do what is needed to feel love for our partner.

These feelings can lead to conflict and contempt towards our spouse. When contempt starts to grow in our hearts we stew and complain, role play and find flaws in the person you are supposed to be feeling love towards. The opposite of contempt is fondness and admiration, it is the medicine for the plagues that tear marriages apart. But how do these two positive feelings work to help our marriage?

 “If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced…”(Gottman, 2015) When I am angry with my husband I cannot see the positive reasons I still love him, find him attractive, or even find respect for him. This stops me from using my fondness for him to see past the problem. When a marriage is so fraught with conflict that the members feel like giving up, we can start to reconcile our differences if we have a strong sense of where we have been. The past feelings of your relationship, where your love first blossomed is important to go back to. Those feeling can change your contempt into fondness again, if only for long enough to start to change your heart.

Whether you are newlyweds or have been married for several years, you probably have experienced conflict between you and your spouse. We know that having charity for our spouse is important in coming to love them as God loves them, but the application of charity is sometimes hard to see. When we are blinded by anger, indifference, frustration or loneliness it is hard to do what is needed to feel love for our partner.

These feelings can lead to conflict and contempt towards our spouse. When contempt starts to grow in our hearts we stew and complain, role play and find flaws in the person you are supposed to be feeling love towards. The opposite of contempt is fondness and admiration, it is the medicine for the plagues that tear marriages apart. But how do these two positive feelings work to help our marriage?

 “If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent you from being trounced…”(Gottman, 2015) When I am angry with my husband I cannot see the positive reasons I still love him, find him attractive, or even find respect for him. This stops me from using my fondness for him to see past the problem. When a marriage is so fraught with conflict that the members feel like giving up, we can start to reconcile our differences if we have a strong sense of where we have been. The past feelings of your relationship, where your love first blossomed is important to go back to. Those feeling can change your contempt into fondness again, if only for long enough to start to change your heart.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this about cherishing your spouse. “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.” (1971)

We can be distracted by our emotions during an argument, but we can bring our love for our partner back by reaffirming our admiration for them. The next time you argue with your spouse take a breather and instead of fostering ill will towards them for the next several hours, think of a happy experience you have had with them. Fixing your attention on a positive characteristic or memory of your spouse will help delude the bad feelings and offer some peace to your heart and grow more affection for your spouse.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said this about cherishing your spouse. “Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.” (1971)

We can be distracted by our emotions during an argument, but we can bring our love for our partner back by reaffirming our admiration for them. The next time you argue with your spouse take a breather and instead of fostering ill will towards them for the next several hours, think of a happy experience you have had with them. Fixing your attention on a positive characteristic or memory of your spouse will help delude the bad feelings and offer some peace to your heart and grow more affection for your spouse.

Charitable Marriage

Marriage is supposed to be the complimentary outcome of covenants made to our spouse and to God. The responsibilities of reality often overshadow those sacred promises and corrupt the things we see and feel in our marriage. These distorted views make it easy for us to find vulnerabilities in our partner and use them to our advantage. This however does not have to be the case. If we follow the example of Christ, we can treat our spouse with empathy and compassion.

 Below is a modern version of the Good Samaritan. As you watch think about how you treat your spouse. Is it with criticism, contempt, indifference, or charity? (Mormon Channel, November 16, 2017)

              After discussing the parable of the Good Samaritan author H. Wallace Goddard discussed three possible reactions to the vulnerability we see in our spouse. The traveler in the story is our spouse, and we have the opportunity to react in the following ways. “The thieves seized on the opportunity to rob the traveler. The priest and Levite actively ignored him. The Samaritan had compassion and ministered to him.” (2009)

              What affects how we react to our spouse is how we understand the doctrines and principles of the gospel. Without charity we will act like the thieves and look for our own gain. Without that pure love of Christ in our hearts we will ignore requests for help. Without a complete change of heart to become like God we will not be able to see our spouse’s shortcomings as Christ does. Love is the answer to a joyful marriage.

              Elder Wirthlin(2007) said, “The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy. In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.” Notice that Elder Wirthlin does not say that we gain this love automatically, but it is developed over time. This type of love is not the flippant, selfish love, but a deep understanding of our partner through the lens of God’s glasses.

              Looking at our spouse through these glasses helps us see the pitfalls in our partner, while also allowing us to react to them with love and compassion. Strength in a marriage comes when we are in tune with our spouse and their needs, when we become their eternal friend. A researcher that has conducted many studies on marriage relationships talked about this type of charitable love, “That is really what I mean when I talk about honoring and respecting each other. Very often a marriage’s failure to do this is what causes husband and wife to find themselves in endless, useless round of argument or to feel isolated and lonely in their marriage.” (Gottman, 2015)

              When a couple forgets their sacred covenants made during marriage they are not following the example of Christ given in the parable of the good Samaritan. A marriage may start with friendship, but it should grow through charity and respect for one another. Without these principles the vulnerabilities we see in our spouse will be abused, ignored and left to die lonely and misused. We can choose to treat our marriage and spouse with respect, charity and compassion just as Christ did.

Progression Through Marriage

My husband and I have been married for eleven years next week. Marriage has not been everything that I thought it would be. The differing temperaments between my husband and I have led to disagreements, judgments, and individual wants that I never thought would happen within a marriage. Troubles have come to us as they do to married couples everywhere. Our marriage has lasted because of the covenant that we have made to one another, and to God.  Elder Bruce C. Hafen (1996) stated, “But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions give 100 percent.”

              When my husband and I were first married we had an argument about where the utensils were going to go in our little kitchen. It has been affectionately referred to as the “Utensil Incident,” because it taught both of us a lesson about each other’s differences and how we judge one another based on our experiences. My husband is very type A, he liked having a place for everything and everything in its place. I thought every home had a drawer with miscellaneous utensils in it. You know the long, misshapen, weird kitchen paraphernalia that doesn’t have a neat cubby it can fit into. We argued over where these things were going to go and the anger, judgments and selfishness began to build in our little apartment until it was set to explode. It did, and it has several times since then. Not particularly about the utensils, but about other similarly unimportant things. The lessons we have learned working through problems like the utensil drawer have been powerful in helping us realize our differences and our commonality.

              Last night I expressed my gratitude to my husband for sticking by my side through the years of early marriage, childbearing and the beginning of aging. I was so thankful that he has tried to give his all even when troubles have come into our marriage. Part of what has helped us both try to give 100 percent is what we believe to be the nature of our union.  We know we are individuals given divine attributes by our Heavenly Father. These characteristics by themselves are holy and sacred. When the traits of a man and a woman come together they become something more than they would be by themselves.

              Elder David A.Bednar(2006) said this about the natures of men and women. “By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperament and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way.”

              This union has been the plan for each of God’s children since he placed Adam and Eve upon the earth. As a woman I have a divine role as a wife and mother. As a man my husband has the divine role of husband and father. These roles are individual, yet complimentary. Working together and giving 100 percent gives our lives further meaning and purpose as we progress together.

Denying Divine Power

A big topic of debate concerning marriage and the family has been same-sex marriage. Those of us who would like the traditional marriage of one man and one woman upheld are sometimes at a loss as to how we can voice our opinions without being called discriminatory. I think it is important to differentiate between the people involved and the doctrines involved.

Surely the Lord still loves those who proclaim homosexual traits as their choice. He is in fact the one who has given them their agency. However, the choice to be in a same sex relationship goes against the doctrine of the family and the divine attributes of each person God has created. In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” (1995) it states, “All human beings – male and female – are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose.”

These divine characteristics make each one of us individual, unique and beloved of our Father in Heaven. Because of our unique natures we all have individual trials and temptations that beset us during our time on this earth. One of the trials is the inclination towards intimacy with a person of the same sex. When people give in to this temptation due to persuasion, cultural acceptance, or thoughtless experimenting they are negating their divinely given natures.

In the Bible it states, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and…said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth.” Given to the very first people was the commandment to create life and populate the earth. Within the nature of marriage is the capability to procreate. A same sex couple do no have this divine power, they cannot create life for themselves and so are thoroughly dismissing the power to be like God.

There are two reasons that putting this divine power aside is a choice to be eternally regretted. The first being the right of every person that comes to the earth to receive a body. Same sex couples cannot procreate and so are denying spirits in heaven from receiving a body on this earth. The second is being able to progress through this life and ultimately become as God. If the choice is made to deny our divine nature, practice intimacy where is it not divinely sanctioned, and avoid the commandment to procreate, then we are not progressing as we should.

“Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage. Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.” (Nelson, 2014) This debate will no doubt go on, however I hope truth can be found in the words above enough to prompt further understanding of God’s divine plan for his children and the Godly nature of us all.